Thursday Thoughts- Apologies

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Thursday Thoughts

This is where we will collaborate on classroom issues.

“My children come to me all day to tattle on their friends.  I’m going to pull my hair out if I have to hear one more time about a friend looking at them wrong!”  -Michelle G., Virginia Beach, VA

We answered most of Michelle's concerns last week.  You can see more of that post here Thursday Thoughts- Tattling Now let's tackle that sticky area of apologies. 
When a child has done something that makes an apology necessary I try to lead the child in that direction without telling them that they have to apologize.  Why?  Shouldn't we be teaching our children appropriate behavior?
The reason I don't force apologies is because they become inauthentic.  You create people who then will apologize without meaning it, and in young children they will often times apologize as they are hitting or snatching toys away.  Is that what the purpose of an apology is?
I want to focus more on teaching EMPATHY.  The way I do this is by making the "aggressor" make the "victim" "feel better" (holy quotation marks Batman!).  By asking them to make the other child "feel better" they must take a moment to take the perspective of the other child.  This is a skill that is difficult for young children, but is a necessary one for life.
Occasionally you will have a child that does not know what to do.  I will ask the "victim" at that point what will make them feel better.  Surprisingly young children normally ask for a hug (even my Kindergarteners!).  If neither come up with a solution I will provide two or three options (a hug, an apology, returning the toy, etc.).
More important than all of this is how YOU model apologies.  When a child is hurt or I drop something that belongs to a child or I bump into a child, etc. I am intentional about apologizing.  I tell the child "I'm sorry that (be specific here) happened.  I will (whatever fixes the problem). Can I give you a hug (or clean this up with you, etc.)" 
If you are having consistent issues in your classroom with children who do not want to apologize stage situations with your teaching team that will allow you to model this skill for all the children.  Make sure they know you are going to hit them or take something from them on purpose!  You don't want to just walk up and punch a coworker without them knowing why (can you imagine working with me?!?).
Repeated exposures to this type of modeling gives the child a knowledge base from which to pull when they are attempting to fix situations with their peers.
I think this is a topic that can go on and on so I'd like to know how y'all feel about it.  What do you do in your classrooms?

Continue the dialogue in the comments!  Have your own question?  Let me know and we can synergize on solutions.

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