Thursday Thoughts- Tattling

Thursday Thoughts

This is where we will collaborate on classroom issues.

“My children come to me all day to tattle on their friends.  I’m going to pull my hair out if I have to hear one more time about a friend looking at them wrong!”  -Michelle G., Virginia Beach, VA

This is something that I think all of us have dealt with at one time or another.  This can be particularly frustrating when you are trying to balance the desire to curtail aggressive behavior or bullying while maintaining your own sanity.  I always start this dialogue with my children at the beginning of the year.  I want my children to know there are big differences between tattling and informing.  We revisit these definitions many times throughout the year as needed. I define them this way:

Tattling- Telling me what a friend has done just to get them in trouble.

Reporting/ Informing- Telling me what a friend has done because they will not stop (you have attempted to stop them) or someone is hurt and needs help.

When a child comes to me I always ask if they have talked to the friend FIRST.  If they have not I ask them to let the other child know they were hurt (whether it was emotional or physical).  I am on alert and watch as the “victim” goes to talk to the “aggressor”. If it appears that they need assistance I will step in.  If the child says that they don’t want to or can’t I always offer to go with them.  Since young children still have omnipotent thinking, they often don’t realize that they have hurt a friend.

When the child needs assistance I will walk with them to the “aggressor.”  When confronting the “aggressor” I try to allow the “victim” to do as much of the talking as they can.  This is very important to me.  I want to teach the “victim” that they can tell someone when they don’t like what is being done to them.  There will not always be someone there to fix their problems and I want them to be empowered to stand up for themselves. 

If I find that the “victim” is having trouble I try to assist with words so that both parties feel heard.  A normal conversation will be “Sally feels hurt.  Her body is hurt because you pushed her.  Her feelings are hurt because you used mean words with her.” At this point I help the “aggressor” attempt to make the other child feel better. Typically I do not force the “aggressor” to apologize.  We will talk more about that in next week’s post.

There will be times when a child just needs to vent.  That’s a coping skill that we as adults still use.  How often do you call your friends or spouse just to tell them about an event from the day that they can do nothing about simply because telling someone makes you feel better?  Just like we modeled appropriate use of the soft spot as a tool to calm ourselves down, we can model ways to share our emotions without being disruptive.

I have seen a multitude of ways for children for children to share.  Some teachers provide stuffed animals to listen.  I have seen pictures either of real or imaginary people to share your feelings with.  There are even “Tattle Ears” sold to display where children can go let out what they need to share.  **Keep in mind that you will want to listen in as much as possible during this time.  If a child is sharing something that they will ultimately need help with or is having a recurring problem you NEED to know about it.  If you are ignoring who is going to these areas or what they are saying while they are there you may miss out on important safety concerns or learning opportunities.

Tattle Ear

 

Many times books make it seem like a bad thing to come and talk to a teacher.  Be careful with how you frame your response.  We always want children to come to you.  You can use literature to create a starting point for dialogue.  Books such as "A Bad Case of the Tattle Tongue." May be able to give you a common experience to draw from without pointing fingers at the child who is doing the tattling.

 

Ultimately I try to keep it simple.  Asking why they are telling you information (are you tattling or informing?) can help deter most tattles.  Giving children opportunities to share their feelings in a safe place will allow them to feel heard.  Scaffold their emotional learning by assisting them in confronting the situations they are tattling about.

 Continue the dialogue in the comments!  Have your own question?  Let me know and we can synergize on solutions.